the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize