i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
