If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
