he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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