you would pick up someone in the library
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
