took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize