Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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