I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
