i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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