Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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