I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Someone came in the potted fern
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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