Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
