i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I will pee on everything he values.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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