smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
