You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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