ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
