I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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