Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
