"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
