My Higher Power is John Stamos
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
