I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
