I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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