oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize