mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
