why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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