it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
