Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
