He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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