I wanna passion pit in your ass
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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