im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
When are your genitals available?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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