I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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