Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
