Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
