I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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