I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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