I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just gargled with NyQuil
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
