Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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