Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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