I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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