What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
