I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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