maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
