if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I pour the whiskey from now on
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