Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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