he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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