The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
