i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
