Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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