You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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