Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
