This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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