I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
