Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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