I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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