Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
