Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
