i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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